Heart Beats
by TinkerBella7
Summary: Missing moments and thoughts for Deeks during Spoils of War. All thanks to my fabulous PARTNER IN DEEKS LOVE - Sue.


When Hetty asked to speak to Sam alone, Deeks followed Callen out of the gym. They were heading out in a few minutes. Heading out to find Kensi and bring her home. It hit him like a punch in the gut. Kensi was missing.

"I...I need to hit the head," Deeks mumbled to Callen.

The other man looked at him, looked like he was going to argue, but he simply nodded and said, "Don't be long."

Deeks nodded back and had to resist the urge to run down the hallway. He dumped his Go bag and the case with the money on the floor as he barreled into a stall, reaching the toilet just in time to empty his stomach of the coffee he'd grabbed at a drive thru on the way in. When he managed to stop the gag reflex and leave the stall, he was startled to see Nell standing by the sink, holding out a bottle of mouthwash and a cup. Deeks accepted them gratefully, rinsing his mouth several times. By then the roiling in his stomach had turned into cold fear, hardened into a lead weight.

"I saw you come in here," Nell babbled, when he turned to face her. "I followed you and...heard you...so I grabbed the mouthwash from my locker."

"Thanks," Deeks whispered. He had something he had to ask her, but it took him a moment to form the words and make them come out. "Do you...do you think she's...okay?"

Nell nodded. "She's tough. She'll be fine. You'll find her and she'll be fine."

Deeks nodded, because he couldn't let himself believe anything else. "Yeah. We're going to find her." There was no other acceptable option.

"You have to go." Her tone was sharp, even though she spoke in barely a whisper. Then, to Deeks' surprise, Nell ran to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him, hard. "Be safe and bring Kensi home," she mumbled into his chest.

"I will," Deeks promised. Because that was exactly what he was going to do. He wasn't coming home without his partner. He hugged Nell to him for a moment before pulling back and stepping around her. He grabbed his bags and walked out without looking back. All his focus had to be on the mission. Find Kensi and bring her home.

The moment they boarded the plane, Deeks took a seat in the back. He was surprised when Sam moved to sit beside him. Surprised and a bit uncomfortable. All he wanted right now was to be alone with his thoughts. He needed every minute of the journey to Afghanistan to unravel the chaos in his heart and mind. He had to find his focus. He had to be ready to do what needed to be done to save Kensi.

"You doing okay?" Sam asked, his eyes locked on Deeks' face.

"I'm good," Deek lied, because what else was he going to say? None of them were okay right now. They wouldn't be until Kensi was back in the fold.

Sam sighed softly, obviously catching on to the lie. "We're going to find her, Deeks. We won't stop until we do."

Deeks couldn't look at Sam. He couldn't risk letting the other man see his fear. "I know," he whispered. "I'll do whatever it takes, Sam."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Deeks," Sam countered, gravely. "It's not going to be easy."

"I know that!" Deeks snapped, shifting to lock eyes with the other man. "I know how dangerous this is going to be. I know she might not..." he couldn't say it. He couldn't let himself say it or think it. He would not be able to function if he did. Sucking in a deep breath, Deeks exhaled slowly and said, "I know we might not come back. Any of us." That was the closest he could come to acknowledging the possibility that Kensi might already be lost to them.

Deeks didn't want to be left behind. But he got out of the car when Sam ordered him to, letting his teammates leave. Letting them go on the hunt to rescue Kensi. This wasn't about him, it was about saving his partner. So Deeks turned his focus to the house, entering the building with Sgt. Makar.

He hadn't expected to find a blind man, a man who's devotion to the Taliban was a hard nut to crack. Deeks didn't like depriving the old man of sleep and food, but what the hell. It wasn't like he was eating or sleeping either. Making the meal hadn't been easy, the greasy scent of garlic turning his stomach, but Deeks knew he had to be strong. He had to find out whatever he could. He had to find a way to help the others find Kensi. So he waved the food under the old man's nose, taunting him.

Makar was becoming as frustrated as Deeks, frustrated with him as well, spouting nonsense about this war and morals and such, and how it changed a man. Deeks knew where the line was, that invisible line he had often stumbled on to but never fully crossed. They would have to stay focused and wear the cleric down. Hell, Deeks felt himself wearing down so how much longer could the old, blind, man last?

It was a question there would be no real answer too, because in that moment fate intervened. Hetty called him and Deeks felt the world tilt sideways when she told him Kensi might be dead. Staring at the picture, Deeks felt like someone had hit him with a sledge hammer. He heard Hetty telling him that they believed the photo to be a fake, and he tried to focus on that smidgeon of hope. It was all he had.

But it was hard to cling to, that hope. No matter what the outcome, this was all his fault. If he hadn't been so weak, so emotionally invested in Kensi, she wouldn't be here right now. She would be back in LA. They all would. Instead, Deeks had forced Hetty's hand and the woman had sent Kensi here to separate them, a move that put them all in danger. He had put them all in danger. That was a cold, hard fact that slapped Deeks' in the face. The person he cared about more than anyone else on the planet might be dead. If she was dead, then Deeks had killed her. That harsh reality made him go weak in the knees.

Making himself stare at the horrible picture of Kensi lying on the ground with her throat slashed, Deeks blinked back tears. If she were still alive, then he had to focus. He had to find her. He had to do whatever it took to save her. Mentally shaking off his fear, Deeks gathered determination around himself like a cloak. In this moment there was no line he would not cross.

Deeks steeled his soul and turned around, eyes locked on the Cleric.

Kensi was alive and on the first chopper out, along with Jack, Sabatino and the other wounded. Deeks watched it lift off, blinking against the whirlwind of sand. When it was out of sight, he just stood there, trying to convince himself that Kensi was safe. Battered and exhausted, but alive and safe.

"Deeks." Sam moved to him, gripping him by the arm and pulling him towards the second chopper which had just landed.

"Sam..." Deeks whispered, a million questions churning through his head, because he needed to be reassured that Kensi really was alive.

The big guy cupped his face in one hand, making Deeks look at him. "Kensi is alive and we're going home. We're all going home."

Deeks nodded. "Yeah." He found himself pulled into a one-armed hug, and it shocked Deeks to realize that Sam was shaking. Or maybe he was the one shaking because, despite the desert heat, he felt chilled to the bone. It was over. Kensi was alive and they were all going home, but Deeks felt strangely empty inside.

"You did good, Deeks." Sam ruffled his hair. "Thank you. Again. For saving my life."

"All in a days work," Deeks replied, trying to step back into his surfer dude mode. The guy so laid back he didn't take life all the seriously. The persona he put out to the world at large. He didn't want Sam to thank him. Why would he? They should be screaming at him. Blaming him. They had all gone through hell and it was all his fault.

Sam smiled then nudged Deeks into the chopper. It was time to go.

Deeks slipped into the back, pushing into the corner, closing his eyes in an attempt to shut out the world. He felt movement beside him, another body settling in for the ride. He didn't look to see who it was. It didn't matter.

A moment later he felt the chopper lift off, feeling a bit of vertigo before they slipped into a steady motion. What had to be only seconds later, Deeks heard a shrill whistling sound whooshing over them. Moments later he heard the blast of a missile strike finding it's mark. The chopper shuddered in the shock wave before settling back into it's smooth glide.

A second missile hit, then a third and Deeks knew that the Taliban group would all soon be dead. The face of the old man he had tortured filled his head. He was dead now too, annihilated along with his beloved son. Lives sacrificed so that others could survive. A ripple of remorse washed over Deeks, but he felt no regret. His partner was a live. That was all that mattered.

They returned to base camp and Kensi was taken away to get checked out and cleaned up. Deeks killed time by getting changed and getting his stuff together. When he couldn't distract himself any longer, he went in search of his partner to find her in Jack Simon's arms. During the remainder of the chopper ride they had contacted Hetty who had filled them in on what Kensi's true mission had been, with Granger adding his two cents.

Deeks had thanked Jack, because he knew the other man would have done all he could to protect Kensi to the best of his ability. She brought that protective instinct out in everyone. Kensi could take care of herself, but she also made people care about her. So he thanked Jack before telling Kensi he was glad she was alive and then she was in his arms and Deeks hadn't wanted to let her go. She had broken down a bit, trembling in his arms, feeling so small and fragile and that had terrified Deeks. But then kick-ass Blye had reappeared as they all made their way to the mess tent for a hearty meal before heading for home.

Kensi had managed to smile and to eat a bit, but Deeks knew what that cost her. He knew because he had lived it less than a year ago. So he had supported her as best he could, standing close enough so that their shoulders touched, offering what comfort he could. Then it was time to go and Deeks escorted Kensi to the car that would take them to the plane Hetty had arranged for them. But first he had loped off to grab his bag.

Slipping into the tent, Deeks took a moment to catch his breath. It hurt to see Kensi bruised and battered. To see her looking so damn fragile. To know that everything she had suffered through had been his fault. If he could have, Deeks would have absorbed her pain into himself. He would have gladly traded places. But all he really could do was be there for her. Whatever Kensi needed, he would give to her.

"Detective?" Granger's voice sounded close behind him, making Deeks jump.

Whirling around, he stared at the other man, wondering if Granger knew that he was to blame for everything. "Is something wrong?" Deeks queried, worried that something might have happened to Kensi.

Granger shook his head. "I just wanted a moment to tell you...well...to thank you. You saved us all."

"Hard to believe, right?" Deeks shot back, falling into routine. Back into humor. He hadn't forgotten what Granger had said to him a few weeks ago. His comment about Deeks going to Afghanistan as back up for Kensi was akin to a National Lampoon movie.

"I was wrong about you," Granger stated, looking a bit grim.

Which made Deeks laugh. "Bet that was hard to say."

Granger almost smiled at that. "When we get back, I'm going to speak to Hetty about making you a full-fledged NCIS agent. You make the team better."

Deeks had no response to that. He had never expected to hear anything like that from Granger. Not ever. However the timing couldn't have been more ironic. His mistake had brought them all here in the end. He didn't make the team better, he had nearly torn them all apart. But he didn't let any of what he was feeling show. Instead he managed to a shaky nod before mumbling, "Thanks."

"Time to go home," Granger said, before turning and slipping out of the tent.

"Home," Deeks echoed.

He couldn't erase the past few months, nor could he forget what he had done in the past few days. He couldn't make the darkness in his soul disappear nor could he could he turn back time and protect Kensi from her nightmares. But from this moment on Deeks could focus on his partner. He could simply be there for her in whatever way she needed him. Kensi was his everything and, finally, they were bringing her home.


End file.
